I do not know how long I can hang in there for. I am not doing great. I constantly tell myself that you can not and will not break down. I truly feel alone. I smile, so I think I am fine. But when I face my inner self, I know I have held too much in for the last 4 years. I have tried to be too strong. I constantly hear you must stay strong. You must stay strong.
In 4 years, a dad that turned blind, a dad that passed, a passing that I could not mourn, a crushing reality of family, a breakup, 3 cancer diagnoses, and 3 sets of treatments. I am a bystander, so I feel I am not entitled to react but to support at any cost.
I hold on to God so tightly, as that is my only sanity.
I debated deleting this. I don’t want to voice my thoughts out. I am scared that speaking can bring things to pass. Everyone is going through something, so I tell myself I have to deal with my thoughts myself.
I know this is a moment, and it will pass. I haven’t slept through the night for the last three weeks, so I know deep down I am not ok.
Remember to check up on me. To see me and see I am ok and not drowning.
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