Tag: Feelings

The initial start of Part B is tomorrow, 8th May. It will be a good start by God’s Grace.

Thankful for a stable frame of mind. I’m not quite there, but it’s better than I was in March.

I can’t believe we ended up making it to D. It was a good distraction leading up to it. It was busy, it was fun.

Bros Y asked how he could help. The 1st direct offer of help on Part B, I appreciated seeing that message.

It’s 4.08am, and I’ve been awake for 30 minutes. My sleep pattern is getting fixed little by little.

I am nervous, but I want to avoid going into panic mode. I am scared, but my only recourse is to trust God.

Those who trust in God will not be put to shame.

Lord, be our Anchor. Send the precise help and support we need at the precise time.

Day 4 in Switzerland.  We have been very active. Physically active. I have slept about 6 to 7 hours.  Though waking up… but being able  to eventually sleep back.  Is it from exhaustion or from a place of peace or calmness of the mind? Well, time will tell really.  I am just grateful to have been able to sleep somewhat.


Physically, I am exhausted.  My leg is screaming. But I want to experience Switzerland properly


Why did it take 8 years to come back?  Life happened, I guess? I have been able to tick a slight bucket list at least, train rides through different towns.


It was good to see PR. Spoke for over 2 hours.  It was good to talk. I remembered she told me to start journalling. To pour out the  40k words I have inside my head that needs to be expressed daily with no outlet.


I am thankful for life. For the privilege to be able to embark on this trip. I am grateful to be able to afford to experience this all.


I hope to remain grateful.  To be able to focus on the good. To remember the positives even when it looks bleak. My mindset will determine alot..

I’m panicking.  I am overwhelmed. I feel at a loss. Making simple home decisions seems so hard. I was fine all day. Why this sudden overwhelming feeling?

What do I do with Millys email? I am thinking and panicking? My heart is beating so fast. it’s a panick attack.  It’s been a long time since I panicked.

I know it’s good for T, but why am I in a state?

I don’t want to cry, but the tears are coming down.

I can’t do it all.

I’m panicking.  I am overwhelmed. I feel at a loss. Making simple home decisions seems so hard. I was fine all day. Why this sudden overwhelming feeling?

What do I do with Millys email? I am thinking and panicking? My heart is beating so fast. it’s a panick attack.  It’s been a long time since I panicked.

I know it’s good for T, but why am I in a state?

I don’t want to cry, but the tears are coming down.

I can’t do it all.

I am Tired. There, I’ve said. God knows it, so telling him is admitting to him that which he already knows.

Ask and you shall receive.

“Vulnerability.” A word I never really paid attention to, but one I realised is powerful and connected to the word “shame.”

I felt “shame,” but realised shame stops you from achieving a lot. It tricks your mind and wants you to hide. But things in secret eat at you. Step 1. Overcome the feeling of shame and turn to a trusted circle. Aka, be vulnerable.

Sunday 23rd. Hard hitting. I should have journaled whilst my emotions were raw. But it felt it would overwhelm me to a worse state.

Feelings – the one thing I realised over time I learned to suppress.

I couldn’t handle how overwhelmed I felt. It’s 2.19am now. And about 30hrs after the intervention. I have been awake for 1.5 hours and had 3.5hrs of sleep. This is week 6 of not sleeping through the night.

What was the trigger?

What are you afraid of?

Will you seek professional help?

What type of support do you need?

Where did all these suddenly come from?

Well-meaning questions, but my mind could not handle it.

“This is not the time to breakdown, you have to try and stay strong for the period coming.” My head knows that’s a fact, but my mind doesn’t care. I want to be told it’s ok to feel how I feel. I’m not crazy. I have done well over the years to stay strong and positive.

I am tired. I realise that things feel more confusing in a state of tiredness.

I got an intervention. I needed it. I needed to be seen as “me.” For someone to look & care about my thoughts. But… no one prepared me for the reality of it. I felt slammed against a wall. Each barrage of question left my head spinning. I felt attacked at some point and confused. I don’t have the answers.  If I did, I wouldn’t ask.

My head thought about a million things, but I couldn’t put them in words.

I know one thing. I have to get to the core of my feelings once and for all. There are things I need to face and process.

1. My dad’s passing. I resent the circumstances and aftermath. Get closure.
2. Family dynamic. Can it ever be resolved?  No one is looking to resolve it.
3. Dad’s estate.  A taboo topic that should be faced once and for all.
4. Second child. My heart desperately still wants this. The doctors at almost every word keep attacking the hope and faith I have.
5. It is a matter of when and not if. Feb 21st. Hard hitting words. I immersed myself in worship and read the word. “Words” are powerful. Am I scared? Do I actively think it?
6. Feb 14th. The day I can pinpoint that subconsciously triggered it all. The doctors appointment.
7. SM. That has been on my mind alot. Again, it seems to be a taboo subject. How did it get here? Was this always the reality?
8. How do I keep going with no emotional support?
9. My darkest unspeakable fears. Being utterly alone.

For today, this is enough. I know there is more. Do I need help? Will I get help? Is there shame in seeking help?

“My core needs to be strong for the journey ahead”.

My single goal this year is to read the Bible cover to cover.  It seems this is step one in the journey of “It’s time to build”

It is hard hitting. This is the start. I’m no clearer on any of the questions or things I listed.

It’s 3.09am, and I am not crying. That is enough for now.

Today, I decided to face myself. I faced the word “shame” and vulnerability.

FA, thank you for the timely message saying “

[3/22, 06:45] How are you?
[3/22, 06:45] Oh this isn’t a short answer kind of question o
[3/22, 06:45] HOW ARE YOU?
[3/22, 06:46] You’ve been on my mind all morning

God sent someone just at the point where I felt that absolutely no one saw me.

My feelings in 48 hours have been mind boggling.

I have avoided going into the darkness to tackle my mind. Why? I am desperately trying not to break down.

I am reminded of the word, “It is time to build” But can I build from a broken mind?

It’s been 5 weeks of not sleeping all night. Something is wrong. And there is no shame is admitting it.

Today,  I messaged my sister and friends. I need help. I need therapy.

It seems after admitting this and writing this, I am still standing and have survived being vulnerable with things concerning me personally.

HELP. I NEED HELP.

I do not know how long I can hang in there for. I am not doing great. I constantly tell myself that you can not and will not break down.  I truly feel alone. I smile, so I think I am fine. But when I face my inner self, I know I have held too much in for the last 4 years. I have tried to be too strong. I constantly hear you must stay strong. You must stay strong.

In 4 years, a dad that turned blind, a dad that passed, a passing that I could not mourn, a crushing reality of family, a breakup, 3 cancer diagnoses, and 3 sets of treatments.  I am a bystander, so I feel I am not entitled to react but to support at any cost.
I hold on to God so tightly, as that is my only sanity.

I debated deleting this. I don’t want to voice my thoughts out. I am scared that speaking can bring things to pass. Everyone is going through something, so I tell myself I have to deal with my thoughts myself.
I know this is a moment, and it will pass. I haven’t slept through the night for the last three weeks, so I know deep down I am not ok.

Remember to check up on me.  To see me and see I am ok and not drowning.
.

I talk a lot when I want. At least from my point of view, I do. But I realise that when I speak about my feelings at any length to  someone else, I always tend to ponder on the words I used. Did I convey my feelings, right? Should I have said less? Should I have said more?

I feel especially vulnerable when I have spoken about certain topics. I struggle with reflecting on my day as a way of being mindful of my actions. But reflection comes naturally to me when I have discussed my feelings. I replay over and over the words I used.

Last night, I talked about my subconscious hopes and contradictory  reconditioning of my mind to not dwell on having a second child triggered by the single statement of “I hope you haven’t given up.”

I am a mixed bag of emotions.  Talking helps. Talking is therapy, but sometimes it has the ability to take me down a rabbit hole of thoughts. I do not wish to face them yet.

We got to week 4 of cycle 1.  I am super grateful that things have remained as normal as possible.  This week is the last treatment of cycle one, and then we get a two week break.

This week also marks the 4th week anniversary of restarting family devotion. Our Silver lining.

Today’s thought is that God makes all things beautiful in his time. There is a reason our lives are playing out this way, and I trust that all things are working together for our good.