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  • Helplessness

    Have you ever gotten to a point where you feel helpless? Where you feel utterly alone and you are at a loss on what to do, how to help yourself, how to lift yourself, and no one seems to have noticed or extended a helping hand?

    It’s hard to admit, I feel shameful somehow… I know that doesn’t make sense. But I know people, so how come no one has noticed how completely lost I feel?  Is no one asking? Or is it that I am portraying an image of I AM FINE.  Seeing that no one is a mind reader…are the results a manifestation of my own direct actions?

    The Bible is very specific, “Ask and you shall recieve, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened.

    Everything starts from an action on my own part.

    Have you sort for help from your support system? If you seek, you will definitely find.

    So I challenge me today to put my pride or my ego or my reseverness down and seek the help that I NEED.  No one is a mind reader, and everyone has that one thing they are dealing with.

    BE KIND to yourself and each other. Do not let the devil get a stronghold on your thoughts. Thoughts like no one cares have been before me, and I saw it start to eat into me that I started focusing on the wrong things….

    Trust God. Trust his words. Fill yourself with positive things, and gradually, it starts to overshadow the negative things. The Bible tells us to think of what is true, what is lovely and what is pure.  There is a reason for that, and I admit it can be extremely difficult sometimes.

    Take one item and focus on it. For this week, DH celebrated another year. Thankful.  I have always been a big believer in celebrating birthdays. But this year, the true meaning of celebrating another year holds deeper meaning.

    +2 from 5th decade

    +4 from 1st diagnoses

    Those who put their trust in God will never be put to shame. Roman’s 10:11

  • Hang in There

    I do not know how long I can hang in there for. I am not doing great. I constantly tell myself that you can not and will not break down.  I truly feel alone. I smile, so I think I am fine. But when I face my inner self, I know I have held too much in for the last 4 years. I have tried to be too strong. I constantly hear you must stay strong. You must stay strong.

    In 4 years, a dad that turned blind, a dad that passed, a passing that I could not mourn, a crushing reality of family, a breakup, 3 cancer diagnoses, and 3 sets of treatments.  I am a bystander, so I feel I am not entitled to react but to support at any cost.
    I hold on to God so tightly, as that is my only sanity.

    I debated deleting this. I don’t want to voice my thoughts out. I am scared that speaking can bring things to pass. Everyone is going through something, so I tell myself I have to deal with my thoughts myself.
    I know this is a moment, and it will pass. I haven’t slept through the night for the last three weeks, so I know deep down I am not ok.

    Remember to check up on me.  To see me and see I am ok and not drowning.
    .

  • Jamaica

    We made it, and things turned out all right.  I was scared to embark on this trip due to Dees’ treatment.  Turns out…..God had it all worked out.

    Instead, I spent the trip working and not relaxed and not being able to switch off until 8 days after and 2 days before the holiday ended.

    Yah, man…. though not according to plan, I made the best of it…..

  • Year Endings

    This year has been strange. It has been challenging, but it has also been the year I did what I wanted to do . I got to travel for 3 weeks. Something I always wanted to do but didn’t think was practical. The aftermath of the scarring of my dad’s death and friendship fights manifested this year.

    Why is it as human beings we let other peoples actions seep into our beings?

    This year has been good and has been bad. I discovered more that I keep my inner most thoughts and fears to myself.

    One thing I know is that we are the authors of our mindset.  To an extent, we are in charge of controlling our thought process and how we view challenges.

    2025 is a year that I have to mentally get prepared for. God is brewing something massive, and he has been paving the way. I need to be bold to make certain changes, especially over my circle. It is time to be unapologetic. To completely trust the plan God has carved out for me. To embrace fully my potential. To not play down who I am.

    2025….

  • My Feelings

    I talk a lot when I want. At least from my point of view, I do. But I realise that when I speak about my feelings at any length to  someone else, I always tend to ponder on the words I used. Did I convey my feelings, right? Should I have said less? Should I have said more?

    I feel especially vulnerable when I have spoken about certain topics. I struggle with reflecting on my day as a way of being mindful of my actions. But reflection comes naturally to me when I have discussed my feelings. I replay over and over the words I used.

    Last night, I talked about my subconscious hopes and contradictory  reconditioning of my mind to not dwell on having a second child triggered by the single statement of “I hope you haven’t given up.”

    I am a mixed bag of emotions.  Talking helps. Talking is therapy, but sometimes it has the ability to take me down a rabbit hole of thoughts. I do not wish to face them yet.

    We got to week 4 of cycle 1.  I am super grateful that things have remained as normal as possible.  This week is the last treatment of cycle one, and then we get a two week break.

    This week also marks the 4th week anniversary of restarting family devotion. Our Silver lining.

    Today’s thought is that God makes all things beautiful in his time. There is a reason our lives are playing out this way, and I trust that all things are working together for our good.

  • 3rd December 2024

    An amazing day. A day that started quite solemn and quickly escalated to joy unimaginable. That was treatment day, and on route to the hospital, a call came in that I didn’t pick. I assumed what they wanted to discuss and decided I’ll return the call on route home. Fast forward 15mins later, I return the call and they start speaking.

    Have you ever had a call where what you expect to hear is the complete opposite from what is being spoken? I just remember screeching to a halt and screaming my head off. Thank God no no was driving behind me. I got news that was Euphoric. A reminder that God was still in the business of performing miracles.. My long awaited Niece graced the world less than 24 hours earlier, taking us all by Surprise. 14 Years, 2 months and 22 days after, you arrived and graced us with your presence. This has downright been the best news in 2024 and a perfect way to start the last month. I called Dee with the good news just before he went in. Our minds feed positively on good news.

    Safe to say I spent the day smiling and Praising God. God is faithful.

  • Ponderings

    I know I am not ok when I blow up the smallest of issues into the biggest deals. It is my minds way of not focusing on major issues. Is it good or bad? I really do not know atimes.  On some level it means I do not focus on major issues thereby escalating them, on the other hand it means the recipient of my small issue blow ups is left perplexed as to why a none issue has gotten me so worked up.

    I know I am worked up when I start repeating the supposed issue over and over again. Almost like I believe the other party would not fully hear and understand until I say it about 10 times. Not a great habit.

    A recent one… a double hotel booking that I know would somehow be resolved, and worse case, would hurt the bank account.

    I sometimes in my mind float out and listen to myself and think…Folake….slow down…be kind to yourself and others!

    On reflection, I figured out what the underlying issue is. I am nervous about an upcoming trip. My mind is just not connecting  and that is bugging me. Nothing gets me more excited than knowing I can get on a plane. So when I can not muster up excitement, it’s major. This feels like dejavu to 3 years ago…precisely Christmas time, too. I was worried about flying during covid post hubbys treatment. We went and came back safely….so why does worry sometimes creep in to overshadow?

    Mind over matter.

    The mind is the strongest none physical organ of the body. It’s up to me to keep training my mind.

    Proverbs 4:23 NIV
    Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

    Be mindful of what you allow into your thoughts and emotions, It can influence your actions and decisions.

  • Day 1

    Exactly 20 days ago after I once again knew I should seriously put my thoughts on paper….

    I wrote,”I feel led to document what the next 6 – 9 months will be. I haven’t decided if it should be written or spoken. If anonymous or identified. It just dropped in me. It will be a documented testimony of God’s faithfulness of how he can give us peace even in a situation we might deem hopeless. I want to capture the miracle called peace of mind, which truly only comes from God.”

    I wrote the above on the 10th of November from a place of calmness which was the complete opposite of the preceeding 4 days, 6th of November, a day which ended in unease, with a heavy heart which bordered on fear; that sickening feeling in your gut that has no name. I spent the next few days battling my mind, screaming at it to get a grip of itself, telling my mind and reminding it squarely with just one verse I chanted over and over again, For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of sound mind.

    I knew the battle was one of the mind.

    Today 1st of December, I decided to open this page and challenge myself, to write what I think or feel.

    This is my outlet. For the next year, as we battle though Health, family, life and work,

    This is my testimony of how God Favoured Me.

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