FolakeAJ

Blog

  • Ramblings

    I decided to take a break from the details over the holiday period.

    I stayed busy, and I got a lot of fresh air. I met and spoke with PR and knew that talking things through professionally will do me a world of good.

    I am fine on the surface, but I know 1 layer below is shaky grounds. I feel this discomforting feeling that wells up within me. I am virtually on the verge of tears on the smallest thing.

    It’s Easter Monday, and my sleep patterns which has been decent for 10 days, is regressing slightly.  I must not let it go on for too long.

    Tomorrow we start the process. I need all the help.

    Lord, I am scared.  I am allowed to say this to you, right? You said we should bring all our troubles and sorrows to you. I am at the point where by only you can sort out my mind

    Please help me and send help to me. I am scared that I will be alone. But I know the holy spirit is also with me so I am not alone

    Please stay by my side. 

  • Gratitude Day + 2

    I have spent all week consciously feeding my soul as I realised something again, I am the master of my thought. No one is coming to save me. The human part of me wants those around me to temporarily carry me emotionally.  Is that practical?  Most likely not.

    Everyone is busy,  and short of me not being manically depressed…..I figure no one wants to keep asking me how I am. But I do need it from time to time. 

    What have I done? I have consciously gone back  to reading my Bible 1st before checking messages on waking up, actively listening to praise and worship, reading a bible plan on gratitude, and finally consciously trying to change my sleep patterns. It’s been 7 weeks, so it will take time to break the pattern.  Today is day 5 of mission sleep all night. I pray for success by day 14 max.

    Today’s Bible plan journalling prompts:

    • What people in your life make you smile? My daughter. I am always reminded she is a very precious gift from God.  The years of anguish faded in the instance of her arrival.
    • Who made you laugh this week? YA did. She was hilarious that I had forgotten for a bit. Thank you for using humor to snap me out of a funk. She actually threatened body harm if I didn’t get up and go and shower.
    • What is the best thing about today? Last day in London this week. Whoop whoop
    • What scripture is speaking to you today? For God has not given me a spirit of fear but a sound mind
    • What is your favorite thing that happened in the last 24 hours? I experienced a sense of peace I haven’t felt in weeks.

    Day by day, we add to our mental resilience muscle.

  • Gratitude Day + 1

    Happy Mothers Day. Woke up to breakfast in bed. I am grateful for a husband who organised this and am even more grateful for an enthusiastic daughter who was happy to bring this to me along with a gift. A coaster with a beautifully hand designed colourful butterfly.

    The butterfly is one of the most important animals in existence to our ecosystem.  What an honor my daughter chose this as her design base. I am important in her world, and I am important in God’s world.

    Think positive thoughts. Do not dwell in the negative.  I woke up at 3.20am. This habit must break. I must consistency try to go back to bed.

    Today is a good day. Negative thoughts will not win.

  • Gratitude

    I am Grateful to God.

    I woke up at an unknown time and forced myself to keep my eyes closed. By the time I gave up, it was 3.45am. I remembered to take melatonin but safe to say at 5.25am and wide awake….God please grant me sleep.

    I woke up to a message from TA and what I can say is I am super grateful to have a friend who takes the time to write out things I can be grateful for against a list of things I had written were causing me pain.

    Gratitude is a game changer, and I am fully aware of that fact.

    “It is the lie of the enemy because you have committed to reading the Bible in a year.”
    I never once considered this statement on why I suddenly started pulling out of my head past negatives. It is a revelation.

    As a result, I opened my Bible app and thought…read more of God’s word. The devil will not have his way. I pulled out an old plan I never completed and what apt timing.

    “Gratitude is an essential part of being a follower of Jesus.

    No matter how hard life is at this moment, if you have Jesus, you have all you need. And that is something to be grateful for every day. Whatever your circumstances are, if you allow negative thoughts to linger, they can turn us into bitter, resentful humans--this doesn’t make us great representatives of what Jesus has done in our lives.

    You see, gratitude is trusting that our good Father provides for every need. When we show thankfulness for what the Lord has done for us—even as we face unimaginable situations—we are showing the world that as a follower of Jesus, we believe his promises:”  ‘Gratitude: The Game Changer’. http://bible.com/r/9dk

    In December 2024, I wrote down 100 things I am grateful for. I do not remember what I wrote, but I will go and reread them to remind myself that for every bad incident or happening, there are 100 things I can be grateful for.

    One bad should not overshadow a 100 good.

  • April 2025 – Plan reset

    April this year was one I had marked last summer as the beginning of change workwise. I had excitedly talked with Dh about my next move and asked for his support even if it meant me taking drastic actions to realise it. But suddenly, I find myself putting everything on hold. Is it resentment or frustration in the inability to fly at this stage? I had set out on a mission in 2022 to step out of my comfort zone workwise and challenge myself. I had been on a hiatus for 5 years.


    The last two years have both been challenging and rewarding. I have achieved everything and more on the mandate I set myself up for in terms of career progression. Last summer, I determined the next part. Work with a great Ceo and get an inspiring mentor….and Apr 2025 was meant to be the start of that journey.


    Then life threw a curveball that destablised my core. What should you do with curveballs? How many curveballs does it take to throw me off my game? Is the rule, as long as you find a way to stand up from the fall? What if you find yourself unable to muster the strength to stand up. What if staying down gives you a break from the responsibility of going through the pain of standing up? I recognise that the danger is that the longer you stay down, the harder and more stiff standing up becomes. 

    I will stand up. I choose to stand up. I am making the choice to stand up. I have absolutely no clue how I’ll get my legs to cooperate with me. But you can be sure that it will stand up. At some point…..just don’t stay down for too long. Stay down enough to learn a lesson and emerge with stronger legs. Why? For every curveball thrown, there’s been 100 uplifting balls sent my way. Focus on the uplifting balls.

  • This too shall come to pass

    I still don’t have the answers.  But one thing I know is…it will be alright.

    It’s another night of 2am wake up. My boss BF gave me melatonin to help me sleep longer….but I should have remembered the advice of taking it after I woke up and not before the initial sleep. To prevent an overdose… I can’t take it again….so I’ll brace it tonight and try again tomorrow.

    I used melatonin whenever I did US trips, which was yearly as I knew it helped regulate sleep after crossing timezones. Let’s see if it helps me break the cycle.

    Today marks the end of 6 weeks of my crazy sleep patterns.

    Today, I read a post from JMD, someone I greatly admire and whom we seem to share quite similar traits. And it reminded me again….of the word “vulnerability.”  There is power in being vulnerable, Why? because in the process, you share your story. This story might be at different stages. Mine is at its inception, the point at which it started. There will be a middle and an end (bearing in mind, the end will keep evolving).

    As a bonfide private person, sharing openly is the one thing I find challenging. I decided in Dec 2024 to start journaling again as a way of reflecting, not knowing It might carry a huge significance 4 months later.

    The past 9 days have been the most mentally challenged I have ever felt. The last time I had close to this feeling was Oct 2022…….truth be told, that was worse! I had my 3rd failed Ivf in 4 years  in the middle of the process of Dh cancer treatment, which took me out mentally. But jumping on a plane to Seoul last minute (A trip I should write about someday)  meant that feeling lasted all of 72 hours to snap me out of the very deep rabbit hole I entered within 24hrs of the results. Something switched within me recently, rendering me lost to exactly what I was doing.

    I, as a human being, survive on hope. I am a  hopeful person. I have spent my life being hopeful.  Oct 2022 was the 1st time I suddenly lost hope in something. And it was not a great feeling! I do not ever want to experience that in my life again.

    Jan 2014 was the 1st time I felt despair.  Story for another day. I have had 3 meltdowns in my entire life existence. Well, maybe more than 3, but 3 that were impactful.

    Am I depressed? No. Either that, or I am a highly functioning depressed individual.

    I have just found myself struggling with overwhelming thoughts and processing things that have happened in the past, which I seem to not have properly addressed

    I find that I am at a stalemate in terms of what I am doing with myself.

    What next?

    1. Get a therapist to sort out my thoughts? On the fence on this… the therapist FA suggested and tried to book me for has no availability and asked to suggest an alternative.  I am yet to agree. I wanted someone recommended from a Christian perspective. TA has sent me a link… I filled it out to the last page but didn’t get over the hurdle of pressing send.

    2. Keep reflecting and exploring my thoughts via journalling.?

    3. Be kind to myself to walk through this process so that I can emerge stronger.

    4. Keep reading my Bible daily because I know it has the answer to everything.

    Wholeness seems a little way off, but one thing I know for sure is that regardless of how helpless I feel today, it is temporary.  I only have to look back on my life and the countless curveballs life has thrown at me…and yet I am still standing.

    So I know for sure… this too shall come to pass.

    2 Corinthians 4:17-18 NIV
    [17] For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. [18] So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

    https://bible.com/bible/111/2co.4.17-18.NIV

  • Panic Attack

    I’m panicking.  I am overwhelmed. I feel at a loss. Making simple home decisions seems so hard. I was fine all day. Why this sudden overwhelming feeling?

    What do I do with Millys email? I am thinking and panicking? My heart is beating so fast. it’s a panick attack.  It’s been a long time since I panicked.

    I know it’s good for T, but why am I in a state?

    I don’t want to cry, but the tears are coming down.

    I can’t do it all.

  • Panic Attack

    I’m panicking.  I am overwhelmed. I feel at a loss. Making simple home decisions seems so hard. I was fine all day. Why this sudden overwhelming feeling?

    What do I do with Millys email? I am thinking and panicking? My heart is beating so fast. it’s a panick attack.  It’s been a long time since I panicked.

    I know it’s good for T, but why am I in a state?

    I don’t want to cry, but the tears are coming down.

    I can’t do it all.

  • The Intervention

    I am Tired. There, I’ve said. God knows it, so telling him is admitting to him that which he already knows.

    Ask and you shall receive.

    “Vulnerability.” A word I never really paid attention to, but one I realised is powerful and connected to the word “shame.”

    I felt “shame,” but realised shame stops you from achieving a lot. It tricks your mind and wants you to hide. But things in secret eat at you. Step 1. Overcome the feeling of shame and turn to a trusted circle. Aka, be vulnerable.

    Sunday 23rd. Hard hitting. I should have journaled whilst my emotions were raw. But it felt it would overwhelm me to a worse state.

    Feelings – the one thing I realised over time I learned to suppress.

    I couldn’t handle how overwhelmed I felt. It’s 2.19am now. And about 30hrs after the intervention. I have been awake for 1.5 hours and had 3.5hrs of sleep. This is week 6 of not sleeping through the night.

    What was the trigger?

    What are you afraid of?

    Will you seek professional help?

    What type of support do you need?

    Where did all these suddenly come from?

    Well-meaning questions, but my mind could not handle it.

    “This is not the time to breakdown, you have to try and stay strong for the period coming.” My head knows that’s a fact, but my mind doesn’t care. I want to be told it’s ok to feel how I feel. I’m not crazy. I have done well over the years to stay strong and positive.

    I am tired. I realise that things feel more confusing in a state of tiredness.

    I got an intervention. I needed it. I needed to be seen as “me.” For someone to look & care about my thoughts. But… no one prepared me for the reality of it. I felt slammed against a wall. Each barrage of question left my head spinning. I felt attacked at some point and confused. I don’t have the answers.  If I did, I wouldn’t ask.

    My head thought about a million things, but I couldn’t put them in words.

    I know one thing. I have to get to the core of my feelings once and for all. There are things I need to face and process.

    1. My dad’s passing. I resent the circumstances and aftermath. Get closure.
    2. Family dynamic. Can it ever be resolved?  No one is looking to resolve it.
    3. Dad’s estate.  A taboo topic that should be faced once and for all.
    4. Second child. My heart desperately still wants this. The doctors at almost every word keep attacking the hope and faith I have.
    5. It is a matter of when and not if. Feb 21st. Hard hitting words. I immersed myself in worship and read the word. “Words” are powerful. Am I scared? Do I actively think it?
    6. Feb 14th. The day I can pinpoint that subconsciously triggered it all. The doctors appointment.
    7. SM. That has been on my mind alot. Again, it seems to be a taboo subject. How did it get here? Was this always the reality?
    8. How do I keep going with no emotional support?
    9. My darkest unspeakable fears. Being utterly alone.

    For today, this is enough. I know there is more. Do I need help? Will I get help? Is there shame in seeking help?

    “My core needs to be strong for the journey ahead”.

    My single goal this year is to read the Bible cover to cover.  It seems this is step one in the journey of “It’s time to build”

    It is hard hitting. This is the start. I’m no clearer on any of the questions or things I listed.

    It’s 3.09am, and I am not crying. That is enough for now.

  • Help

    Today, I decided to face myself. I faced the word “shame” and vulnerability.

    FA, thank you for the timely message saying “

    [3/22, 06:45] How are you?
    [3/22, 06:45] Oh this isn’t a short answer kind of question o
    [3/22, 06:45] HOW ARE YOU?
    [3/22, 06:46] You’ve been on my mind all morning

    God sent someone just at the point where I felt that absolutely no one saw me.

    My feelings in 48 hours have been mind boggling.

    I have avoided going into the darkness to tackle my mind. Why? I am desperately trying not to break down.

    I am reminded of the word, “It is time to build” But can I build from a broken mind?

    It’s been 5 weeks of not sleeping all night. Something is wrong. And there is no shame is admitting it.

    Today,  I messaged my sister and friends. I need help. I need therapy.

    It seems after admitting this and writing this, I am still standing and have survived being vulnerable with things concerning me personally.

    HELP. I NEED HELP.