The Intervention

I am Tired. There, I’ve said. God knows it, so telling him is admitting to him that which he already knows.

Ask and you shall receive.

“Vulnerability.” A word I never really paid attention to, but one I realised is powerful and connected to the word “shame.”

I felt “shame,” but realised shame stops you from achieving a lot. It tricks your mind and wants you to hide. But things in secret eat at you. Step 1. Overcome the feeling of shame and turn to a trusted circle. Aka, be vulnerable.

Sunday 23rd. Hard hitting. I should have journaled whilst my emotions were raw. But it felt it would overwhelm me to a worse state.

Feelings – the one thing I realised over time I learned to suppress.

I couldn’t handle how overwhelmed I felt. It’s 2.19am now. And about 30hrs after the intervention. I have been awake for 1.5 hours and had 3.5hrs of sleep. This is week 6 of not sleeping through the night.

What was the trigger?

What are you afraid of?

Will you seek professional help?

What type of support do you need?

Where did all these suddenly come from?

Well-meaning questions, but my mind could not handle it.

“This is not the time to breakdown, you have to try and stay strong for the period coming.” My head knows that’s a fact, but my mind doesn’t care. I want to be told it’s ok to feel how I feel. I’m not crazy. I have done well over the years to stay strong and positive.

I am tired. I realise that things feel more confusing in a state of tiredness.

I got an intervention. I needed it. I needed to be seen as “me.” For someone to look & care about my thoughts. But… no one prepared me for the reality of it. I felt slammed against a wall. Each barrage of question left my head spinning. I felt attacked at some point and confused. I don’t have the answers.  If I did, I wouldn’t ask.

My head thought about a million things, but I couldn’t put them in words.

I know one thing. I have to get to the core of my feelings once and for all. There are things I need to face and process.

1. My dad’s passing. I resent the circumstances and aftermath. Get closure.
2. Family dynamic. Can it ever be resolved?  No one is looking to resolve it.
3. Dad’s estate.  A taboo topic that should be faced once and for all.
4. Second child. My heart desperately still wants this. The doctors at almost every word keep attacking the hope and faith I have.
5. It is a matter of when and not if. Feb 21st. Hard hitting words. I immersed myself in worship and read the word. “Words” are powerful. Am I scared? Do I actively think it?
6. Feb 14th. The day I can pinpoint that subconsciously triggered it all. The doctors appointment.
7. SM. That has been on my mind alot. Again, it seems to be a taboo subject. How did it get here? Was this always the reality?
8. How do I keep going with no emotional support?
9. My darkest unspeakable fears. Being utterly alone.

For today, this is enough. I know there is more. Do I need help? Will I get help? Is there shame in seeking help?

“My core needs to be strong for the journey ahead”.

My single goal this year is to read the Bible cover to cover.  It seems this is step one in the journey of “It’s time to build”

It is hard hitting. This is the start. I’m no clearer on any of the questions or things I listed.

It’s 3.09am, and I am not crying. That is enough for now.